I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
