"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
