dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
