Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
