I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
