Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
