I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We have started to decorate penises.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
