i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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