i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
