I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
