I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
