I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
