I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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