FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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