I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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