he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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