Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
