So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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