I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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