I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
