Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just invented taco cereal.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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