totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
