It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
