Moan for me like Helen Keller
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
