I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
