Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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