he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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