cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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