I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
