allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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