my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's the barista slut.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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