I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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