I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
