New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
