I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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