I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
