so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
