He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
