I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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