I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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