im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
