I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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