I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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