someone threw a dead crab at me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
