Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
