i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
