if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
