R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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