I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
