WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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