How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
