Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
