Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
